The Real Perfect Soldier
by Diviana Foresman
Summary: Heero will do almost anything for pocky... [shounenai, swearing, mature themes]


The *Real* Perfect Soldier  
  
Div Foresman  
  
***  
  
warnings : slight language, some sexual things (phrases, some couplings which includes straight and shounen-ai/yaoi)  
  
dedications : for mel (bribe) and tsuki (birthday gift)  
  
disclaimer : I don't own GundamWing and DBZ or their characters - I just borrow them sometimes to play with and have fun and take out my anger on them (All: Hey!) It's true!  
  
Anyway, I don't own the song "The Real Slim Shady," which is good 'cause I hate that Eminem dude (whatever his name is now). AND I don't own all the other real-life people (Kaci, Tsuki, Bara, Kauri, Mel, Leo, CherryBlossom, Lindsay, Sarah and Rebeka (I don't think I spelled it right...), et cetera) which is bad 'cause I don't have ANY permission to have them here [*blushes*] Sorry guys, don't kill me please. [*pouty-lip*]  
  
***  
  
Heero walks up to the microphone on the dark stage. He taps it with a forefinger, "Testing, testing," Quatre's in the far back of the auditorium and gives him a thumbs-up with both hands, smiling happily. Music filters in, thanks to Trowa, who's up on the catwalks.  
  
"Hello? Are we ready to go here?" Heero asks irritably. "I want to get this over with as soon as possible." Div runs out, shouting something. "The hell do you want, woman?" Heero demands. The girl finally reaches the stage, breathing heavily.  
  
"Here," she chokes out, thrusting something into his hands. He looks at it, then at her, and back at the leather pants in his hands.  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes," Div says, glaring.  
  
"I am not wearing these. End of discussion." He tries to shove the pants away, but she pushes it back into his hands.  
  
"You *will* wear these, with nothing else, during this fic. Otherwise, no pocky." Heero glares.  
  
"I hate you. Omae o korosu."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," she waves a hand, "You've already told me that dozens of times. Hasn't happened yet, so go put 'em on." Div glares once more and sprints make down the main aisle to go back up to her spot in the rafters.  
  
Wufei sighes. "Are we ready now?"  
  
"Yes!" Div calls.  
  
"'Bout time, woman," Wufei mutters and swings his hand around. "Let's go people, lights," A single green spotlight aims at the curtain on stage, "camera," Sally pushes a button on her camcorder, "action."  
  
Heero walks out from behind the curtain, wearing nothing but extremely tight black leather pants. Div giggles madly from above and Trowa slaps her on the shoulder. Heero stops in front of the microphone and notices Melanie tied up in a chair in the front row. Her eyes are wide and would have been screaming like the fangirl she is if not for the piece of duct tape over her mouth.  
  
Tsuki's sitting in the middle with Kauri and Bara, all three eating popcorn and pocky. Leo is sitting in the corner with a bunch of weird people - Vegeta, Goku, Trunks, and so on. Trunks asks loudly if there's any mud- wrestling and Div pops him upside the head as she sits down next to Piccolo.  
  
"Ahem." Heero starts. "May I have your attention please?"  
  
From behind the curtain, Duo says, "What?"  
  
"May I have your attention please?"  
  
"Yeah!" Duo shouts.  
  
Kaci, sitting in the back with the Millers (Rebeka and Sarah), yells, "He sure has my attention!"  
  
"Will the real Perfect Soldier please speak up?" Heero continues, used to Kaci's hentai outbursts. "Tsk, We're gonna have a problem here."  
  
"Ya'll act like you've never seen a masochist before, jaws all on the floor, acting like I can't seem to get anymore,"  
  
Duo giggles, "Itai itai!"  
  
"Khushrenada, you'd best be looking for more,"  
  
"Recruits," Duo chimes.  
  
"'Cause I'm better than you and I won't be stuck on the floor,"  
  
"Withering in pain," mutters Duo. Heero does his evil laugh.  
  
"Hah ha, hah ha, hah ha."  
  
"What're you laughin' at?"  
  
"Ya'll talkin' like," Heero replies, "Oh wait, no way, you're kiddin'... he didn't just set his leg like that did he?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Duo sings.  
  
"Hey, hey, hey, where's Heero?"  
  
"Where you at?"  
  
"I'm right here, blowing up bases, tee hee." Div's on the floor laughing as Heero giggles like a school-girl at a tea-party. "Perfect perfect perfect perfect perfect perfect perfect soldier, perfect soldier!"  
  
"Woohoo!" Kaci yells from the back as Heero actually sings.  
  
"I'm da perfect soldier, the *real* perfect soldier. All you other soldiers out there are just gettin' destroyed, so won't the real perfect soldier please kill 'Lena, please kill 'Lena, please kill 'Lena." Relena swoons.  
  
"'Cause I'm da perfect soldier, da *real* perfect soldier, all you other soldiers out there are just plain pathetic! So won't the real perfect soldier please kill 'Lena, please kill 'Lena, please kill 'Lena?"  
  
"Yes, please!" Lindsay shouts. The only reason she's there is because of that part, so she disappears right after she says that because Div doesn't her real well.  
  
"Whoa!" Duo exclaims, still behind the curtain.  
  
"Lookit him walkin' around with his own crew... Unn and Sally, hell, Noin too!" Milliardo smiles, as Lucrezia blushes. Unn just raises an eyebrow and Sally's... somewhere... with Wufei... "Yeah... He's so damn blond, though!"  
  
"Wait a minute," Quatre pipes up. Dorothy draws her foil, handing Quatre and Milliardo matching fencing swords.  
  
"Whaa!" Duo chirps, grinning.  
  
"Yeah," Heero says.  
  
"That's my Hee-chan, yo!" the American continues, grinning. The three blonds, however, are *not* smiling as they edge closer to the stage.  
  
"And there's a million of me," Heero sings, "Who dress like me and kill like me, don't give fuck like me,"  
  
"Heero!" Duo reprimands, smiling.  
  
"Who pilot like me and were trained like me, have big feet like me. It might just be the next best thing, but not quite me!" Heero pays no attention as the Maganaks act like bodyguards and keep Milliardo, Dorothy and Quatre from slicing-and-dicing Heero.  
  
"I'm da perfect soldier, the *real* perfect soldier. All you other soldiers out there are just gettin' destroyed, so won't the real perfect soldier please kill 'Lena, please kill 'Lena, please kill 'Lena." Relena swoons again.  
  
"'Cause I'm da perfect soldier, da *real* perfect soldier, all you other soldiers out there are just plain pathetic! So won't the real perfect soldier please kill 'Lena, please kill 'Lena, please kill 'Lena?"  
  
"Oh, and could the rest of OZ just kill yourselves, 'cause I can't stand you anymore," Heero adds, grinning. "Perfect perfect perfect perfect perfect perfect perfect soldier, perfect soldier, soldier!"  
  
The music stops and Kaci jumps up, cheering. Div comes up and hugs Heero. "Okay, you earned your pocky." He grabs the box and turns, ready to run away, when she adds, "You know, I'll give you another box if you," she looks around before whispering something in his ear.  
  
Heero bites his lip as he decides. After a moment, he nods and Div grins. "Sweet! Kaci, strap Duo to a chair,"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Just 'cause. And take the tape off of Mel's face, she can't breathe."  
  
Duo's thrown into a seat and wrapped there by the Maganaks before he can run for it and Kaci rips the tape off Melanie's mouth. "Heeeeeerrooooo! I looove yoouuuuu!"  
  
"Put it back on," Duo whines, "She sounds like Relena!"  
  
"Damn! Forgot about her," Div says as Kaci obliges the braided boy. "Rashid, tie Barbie down, too, will you?"  
  
"Why?" the princess demands from the back. "Heero, tell them to stop!" she complains loudly.  
  
"Alright." Div grins. "For one box of pocky... Heero will show us..." she stops dramatically. "His butt! Whoohoo, and damn is it fine!"  
  
Mel falls out of her chair as Heero turns around to moon them all. Duo's nose starts to bleed and Wufei's voice comes down from the catwalks. "Injustice! You could have told me before, woman, so I, too, would be able to--" Sally knocks him unconscious and drags him away to who knows where.  
  
Quatre looks up at Trowa, a smile on his face. "If I asked you to--" Trowa puts a finger to the blond's lips, then, looking around, pushes him out the door. Noin looks at Milliardo.  
  
"No! I'm not going to do that Sexy Zechsy thing again! I did it for Cherry Blossom, but I absolutely refuse to do so for Diviana. God help us all if she reads that..."  
  
"Too late," Div chirps, "That's okay, though, I'd rather see you do commercials for Wild Turkey." She and Kaci look up at the ceiling, moaning. "Ooo... Wild Turkey... shirtless Zechs... mhh..."  
  
"Hey," Heero says, tucking his belt in again.  
  
"Oh, right, sorry," Div hands Heero two boxes of pocky and he walks away happy. The girl looks down. "Uh... Mel, you alright?"  
  
~owari~  
  
A/N : Please be aware that this is my *only* humour fics in existance right now, with the sole exception of "Happy Birthday Tsuki" and that one card I gave Rika (who's camping right now, so that's why she's not in here). I know it's not very good - probably because I do dark ficcies all the time, but hey, at least I tried... 


End file.
